Time

I don't know why certain thoughts come to me the way they do, but they do, none the less.  The other day, I was just thinking about the number of hours each day that I ACTUALLY get to spend with my kids.  Up until this year, I have been the one who wakes them up, gets them dressed, takes them to school, brings them home from school, does homework with them, lugs them to baseball or football or whatever season it is.  Now that I have taken on a more demanding job that requires more time away, I'm realizing how little quality time I get with them.

I still wake them up, get them dressed, take them to school and sometimes bring one of them home from practice.  But my husband is doing much more now because my work hours are typically later than his.  I no longer pick them up from school or take them to practice.  He does.  That's taken away about an hour and a half that I used to have with them. 

When I calculated, I think I am getting about 2-3 hours a day with my kids.  This doesn't count the hours they are at home, asleep.

This kind of breaks my heart.  It just made me realize that they are born, and before you know it, they're grown and gone.  And you get so LITTLE time with them between...

I don't regret my decision to be a working mom.  I don't regret my decision to have my boy in competitive sports that take up over 2 hours a day of their schedules also.  What I do regret are all the times I have had with my kids that I have not utilized to its fullest potential.  I regret yelling at the kids when they are taking too long to hurry up and shower and get in bed.  I regret telling them, "Not tonight, I'm too tired."  I regret getting frustrated when they want me to come tuck them in and give hugs and kisses because that means I have to go BACK upstairs and I just want to go soak in the tub.

I know every decision a mother makes can be criticized.  I know there are people who think I'm wrong for chosing not to stay home; that's their prerogative.  I know there are others who think stay at home moms are crazy for making that decision.  I think every situation is different and quite frankly, I don't think it matters either way what you decide.  What matters is that we have to remember that the time we are blessed with is very little.  It's gone in the blink of an eye.  I want to make it my mission to end the day with a smile on my face because it was simply a good day where I got to love on my boys a little while more.

Psalm 127:3
Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him.

Break Our Hearts

I watched a video of a big, beautiful, grey pit bull being rescued.  My heart sank when I realized she had been dumped by her owners and just left there to fend for herself.  You could tell she was very healthy, and the video showed her nuzzling in to the rescuers.  She just wanted to be loved.
I cried at this video.  Yes, I cry at a lot of things, but this really got me.  It cut me deep for a few reasons. 

First of all, I will never understand how people can be so heartless.  This is just one example of what is wrong with people.  It overflows into how people treat other people as well.  In every decision I make, I try to consider the feelings of others.  How will this affect my kids?  My husband?  My friend?  How would I feel if I was the homeless person sitting outside the Valero and everyone just kept walking by me?  I try to put myself in others' shoes, and I feel that this is what it takes for people to just care more.  I fail at times.  I make bad decisions that hurt those around me, but it kills me when I do.  I hurt when I hurt those around me...You see, I think people have gotten so wrapped up in self that they have simply turned a blind eye to the fact that their words and their actions DO affect others.  When you lie, you are damaging another person, even if you get a way with the lie.  When you cheat, you sever any trust in a relationship.  When you talk down to others, you break their spirit.  When you walk out on your family, you cause abandonment issues, distrust, and heartbreak.  When you leave a dog on the side of the road, you cause them to doubt humanity.

Secondly, this dog, once she realized the rescuers were good people not trying to hurt her, she buried her head into the chest of one of the men.  After being abandoned, she still just wanted to be loved.  She just wanted a kind touch and some reassurance that everything would be okay.  Friends, I believe deep down, that is what we all want.  This is why it hurts so much when those you love break your trust, hurt your feelings, or abandon you.  I also think this is why I love animals so much.  They don't break that relationship once it's formed; as a matter of fact, many animals will fight to defend those they love.  Their love is pure, honest, and unadulterated. 

So my prayer today is that our heart would be broken for those around us.  That we would be able to treat others with the love and respect they deserve, and that we would learn to put our selves last.  In essence, I pray we can learn to love one another the way a loyal pet loves its humans. 

 

I just cannot imagine what a beautiful place we would live in if our priority was figuring out how we can better love those around us. 


John 13:34-35
A New commandment I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so also you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are My disciplines, if you love one another.

Life Changes

I'm not sure if it's because I grew up in the military or if it's just my personality, but change isn't something scary to me.  I have always welcomed it, even longed for it at times. 

The latest major change came when I felt that I was being led to quit my job as a teacher.  I was completing my 8th year as a teacher and was simply struggling to find joy in my career choice anymore.  I could go in to detail, but that would be another blog in and of itself.  To summarize, I was tired of politics involved, of all the demands beyond teaching, and of nasty parents. 

After much discussion, my husband and I decided this was what I should do.  I had a friend who told me about a company needing teachers to work with homeschooled kids, just one day a week.  I agreed to this, but had many concerns that I just couldn't shake.  There wouldn't be any benefits, I'd basically be an independent contractor.  Very little stability etc. 

Then I had the opportunity to completely leave the education industry and venture out into a world I have never known.  I accepted a job as a project engineer for a commercial general contractor...the company is the same one with which my husband is a superintendent. 

My husband's dream has always been to have his own construction company.  Maybe now I will be able to one day help him run the company effectively. 

The learning curve is astronomical as I know little about the industry.  My motivation is sky high though.  For the first time in many years, I am excited about my future and the opportunities I now have. 

 So, don't be afraid of change.  Sometimes these changes can bring about more joy in your life than you ever imagined.  Don't settle for a job you aren't happy with because there is one out there that is a perfect fit for you.  And sometimes, it's in a place you'd never expect. 

Broken Hearts

Being here in corpus this past week has really opened my eyes to the character of people.  It has also made me realize how much the love of a mother means.  My mom and I had many strained years as most moms do with their teenaged daughters.  But as I have held my mom and just let her cry, memories flood back to her doing the same for me, even during the rockiest of years.  My mom wasn't perfect, who is?  But she has always been the one I ran to when my heart was breaking.  Though my heart is breaking now, I'm not running to her, but to Christ for comfort.  But I am so glad that I can be a physical source of love and support for her right now.  It's the least I can do after all she's done for me.

The Struggle

As a Christian woman, I try not to be a hypocrite, but I still am one sometimes.  I talk about the need to forgive, but sometimes, I simply don't want to.  When someone wrongs me deliberately, I want to hold on to my anger because honestly, somehow deep down the anger feels good.  I know in my heart that it is silly because as I struggle to sleep, the one who wronged me is losing no sleep over my hurt.
Christ is the ultimate example of how I should act, and believe me when I say I strive to live a life like His.  But I am a mere human, and life is hard.  People are cruel and selfish.  Bad things happen that put my faith to the test.
The good thing is I have an all knowing God who never promised that if I believe in Him, life will simply be grand.  He knows my weakness and my struggles, and I believe He is walking with me hand-in-hand, helping to guide me all my days.  There is a peace In Knowing that I can confess my sins to Him and ask Him to help make me more like His son, and He will.
So, even when I want to curse someone's name and feel justified in doing so, I instead choose to die to myself and live in Him.  I will cry out to Him and know that He, my Heavenly Father, will NEVER forsake me.

Father, my heart is heavy.  The hurt is real and it is deep.  But I want to live my life as a living sacrifice.  Help me to shine Your light especially in the dark times of life.  Thank you for being true to your word and for sending me and example of how life was meant to be lived.  Help me live that way now and forever.  In Your son's name I pray.

Things I Will Never Understand

Why it's so hard to

A White Balloon

As she let go of the white balloon, she wept.  The tears were no longer the tears of anguish; they were the tears of sweet release.  She refused to hold on to the pain, the hurt, the guilt and shame.  She was instead allowing herself the chance to celebrate, the rejoice, to forgive herself (and others), and to love.
She kept her eye on that white balloon as it slowly drifted further and further away into the overcast night sky.  She tried with all of her might not to lose sight of the balloon, knowing deep down that it would soon drift so far that she would no longer be able to see it.  As it disappeared, she realized that just because it was no longer in her presence did not mean it was gone.  It simply existed in a different place, possibly a different form.
So she let it go completely as she closed her eyes and smiled.