As a teen, I developed an interest in sports, specifically volleyball and tumbling, and I was in competitive cheer. Furthermore, I ran. I ran a lot. I worked hard on staying fit, but would still look at my tiny friends around me and my size 3/5 body envied their 00 body. I didn't even know you could BE a double zero! So even though I was only around 120 pounds, I would still look at people like Brittney Spears (yes I know) and wish I was shaped more like her.
I tried out for my high school's cheer squad my freshman year and didn't make it. I was devastated and gave up on this dream. It was at this time that I made up my mind to graduate high school a year early. I would have to cram my classes in to the remaining 2 years I would have, and I was also working a part time job. Needless to say, I gained about 10-15 pounds by the time I graduated high school. I was still only 135 which wasn't bad for my 5'2" frame even though some scales said my BMI was high.
College came and along with it, some of the absolutely most stressful times of my life. My weight climbed. My confidence plummeted. I had someone I cared about walk out on me, and I just knew it was because I was no longer attractive. This was hard for a 19 year old girl. I began seeking approval from people I had no business seeking it from. I lost who I was as everything I had ever known was changing, including myself.
My last year in college I met my now husband. He was working full time to put himself through school. He was funny, outgoing, handsome, and spoke Spanish (I love this about him). He made me feel beautiful again for the first time in many years. He constantly told me how pretty I was and would leave me sweet little notes on my car at work. My confidence started to come back. He was slowly helping build me back up to the person I used to be. I also began going back to church which helped me to remember my true identity. I had forgotten that I was carefully made, that God looks at me and sees nothing but beauty.
Fast forward to my first kid. My weight was out of control again, eating for "two". My thyroid was not functioning properly, and even when I began trying, I couldn't get the weight off. After my second child, I got serious with clean eating and working out. I lost 45 pounds and was beginning to feel good about myself again. But life struck again. I went through touch times personally and professionally and have now gained almost all of the weight back. I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin. I don't eat well or exercise regularly. My days consist of waking up at 5:30 to get the day started, and ending them past 10-11 most nights due to football practice for my boys.
I'm struggling right now to remember that I am beautiful on the inside, because what I see, and what everyone else sees on the outside isn't matching up. I'm feeling like I've let myself down by working so hard and then letting it all go. I worry that my husband is struggling to stay attracted to me. I know men are very visual beings and I feel like I'm letting him down in this area. I want him to be proud of me and think I'm beautiful. I want the compliments to come often from him without me having to fish for them. I'm self conscious. I'm uncomfortable when I sit down. I'm uncomfortable when I stand up. For goodness sake, I'm even uncomfortable in jeans now. I love dresses but definitely am not comfortable in those either...So I'm not in a good place right now...
When I look at this issue from a biblical standpoint, The Bible refers to our body as the "temple" and tells us that we should glorify God in our body. So, is it a sin to be overweight? I think so, not necessarily because of the weight but because of the fact that gluttony is what tends to cause being over weight, at least in my case it is. Why is this a sin? I believe that it's because when I am overeating, it's because of something deeper going on inside. My outward self is a reflection of what is going on inside. When I have been in shape, it's because I'm usually in a good place mentally. When things are not going well in my life, I turn to the comfort of food. I didn't used to be this way and I'm not sure why I am now. Maybe it's because my support system is no longer what it was or because my trust in people is all but gone. Either way, it's not healthy, and I know that.
So I'm making some changes. First, I'm going to change my mind frame to remember that regardless of what anyone feels about me, I am a beautiful person. Second, I'm going to get back into reading the Word more and confiding in God the way I need. Third, I'm going to begin taking the time to care about what I am putting in my body and making sure that I am eating to fulfill my hunger, not just to snack and definitely not to get full. Third, I am going to exercise. Yes to lose weight and tone up, but more so for the energy and to feel better.
Will you pray for me in this journey? I feel like I'm running out of time to get this under control, and to be honest, my will power is low. To those going down this same road, I'm here for you!
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
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